Friday, February 13, 2009

A League of His Own...

In our family, there is one guy with whom I interacted very less, so less that I rarely knew his daily schedule. He is very, very close to me as far as family ties are concerned. But we rarely talk, once in a while wish each other (that to with utmost discomfort). In an entire year we sincerely remember one thing, i.e. our birthdays. We even meet each other properly once in late night or sometimes once in every 2 days. Now that I moved to Mumbai since 3 years, those rare meetings and interactions have lessened.

But I realized one thing after I left my home. That, he is one guy who does not like to command anybody on anything, and he expects the same treatment for himself too from others. Nice principle, but I took it as arrogance many times and gradually decreased my involvement in his matters. We grew up, but things only become more mute day by day, till the extent that my friends often asks me how can I behave like this to someone so close to me. But he never complained, may be he knew I understand him or I know him. When I ask the same to myself that whether I knew him or know him that well; my heart says a big NO. And I know my heart is right. Time I spent in Mumbai has made me understood that. I find so much of pain...I find some liquid substance in eyelids...I feel so much guilt...I feel that I have committed a crime by not performing my responsibility properly towards someone who was supposed to get that. I know he never asked or even had expected anything from me. But how can I be so blind? I always believed in love and being loved. Never applied this for him, I believe.

The following is the testimonial I wrote for him a year back, because I think I would never have written this if I would have been at home. Here it goes:

I’m a guy who rarely expresses his feelings.So it took me almost 24 years to write something about this boy.It even took me 18 months in Orkut & after writing 20 testimonials,to write for this commerce graduate.Let’s start with some of the not-so-good qualities about him:
A disorganized person…now don’t ask me for details
U just take life as it is,never think of future…It’s OK,bt it wont help in long run
U r terrible in expressing yourself (just like ME)
Spend a hell lot of money in buying apparels, every now & then
U feel satisfied after getting what is expected of u,bt I need to see the hunger to think ahead…ahead of others
Spends huge amount of time in gaming in computer
Hey hey...wait,this boy is not that bad also…to list just a few of his nicer credentials:
Has got a good friend circle…It’s really necessary
Less emotional, I mean less than me(I may b wrong,bt I feel so)…it'll help u…
More practical(atleast more than me)
U have better money management skills than me

I have kept the last lines of the testimonial deleted for now because I wanted to comment something on this testimonial. Can you see how formal it is!!! How can I be so formal with the person whom I am watching since his childhood. This is simply not done. I deserve punishment. And I am ready to be punished. I want him to decide what & how wants to do that.

Staying away from him made me convinced me that I always behaved as a typical orthodox guy who dominated or atleast loved the feeling throughout. I feel sad...shattered...I cried in pain searching how can I make up for those lost days when I slapped him instead of loving...more than once. Just how can I? He is not any outsider. He is ours, he is mine. But the distance made me love him and tears from my eyes gave some cooling to my heart. What has changed now is that we talk 5% more than before when I go home. I keep myself busy with old friends. When I came back, again it takes me more than 15 minutes to get back to my seat in the train as I need to clean my face and those shades of tears falling all over. One of the reasons is him, yes I miss him. A lot. But I do not know how to tell the same to him.

And finally, here is what the rest of the testimonial reads:

Introducing in front of u, the best live library on movies, games & music; the youngest of all the brothers in our entire family; my only brother & the best one I ever could have got…. Bapin, Bapun, Litun, Titun & Nitish (I am not writing a few secret names).

Things have changed a lot between us…I mean the way talk to each other & the way think about each other… we both know that how much we interact with other…Hope that will improve in future… All I can say you is that: Just remain the way you are…but with some modifications… I know u wont listen to me… After u r my brother who also never listened to anybody...hahaha….

And hey just want you to know that I’ll be there for you whenever & wherever u’ll need me…I’ll be just a call away & I’ll try my best to fulfill what u want….and try to make u feel that there is somebody who cares for u… Hope you will give me that chance to serve & be the best bro for u….


can i have a second chance :(:(:(........................

9 comments:

vijeya said...

I was quite moved by this one ...it almost brought tears to my eyes ...im blessed with a younger bro too. The way those memories of childhood are etched in your mind is remarkable subhajit !
...i cud almost picture the kind of relation you must have had wid nitish !!! all i can say now is there sure has occured an undefinable change in you which reflects in your writings as well.

I quite loved the stream of thoughts. Way to go SIR!!!

Subhajit said...

Thanx for ur nice words...
Appreciate it...

jayant said...

WOW!!!!!!!!!
this is the only word which this write up deserves..... for
Really its too gud....
a perfect for a karan johar hit!!
well that was on a lighter note...
buddy u r too gud...
keep it up....
looking forward for somthing more...

Rishal said...

There are a lot of things which pass away unsaid, emotions unnoticed, feelings untol, caring for someone in his/her own special ways....
We learn to say "I Love You" to someone around but never say this to a lot of people who love us and care for us in all whethers...We do love them too but we never say it.."How much i love you, may be i will never show & may be you will never know".... some relations are like that..

But should they be that way, is a question ?

do we really have to answer that !!!

yogini said...

You know what these are some issues we never remember during our lives..but yes, I am really touched to read this...coz when I was reading this I could see ,my childhood days with my younger brother..but today, since he is away from me I could feel the same tinch of pain that you have expressed and eventually felt...

Thank You for bringing back those wonderful dayz that I have spent with my most dearest friend (my bro)

All the Best!! you have a great way to go....

Subhajit said...

@ Jayant: Dude, I wish if Karan calls me to write for his next!!! Thanx for ur compliments.

@ Rishal: I always felt that we feel awkward to say those 3 words to our family but feel it comfortable to say to an outsider easily...I LOVE YOU...remember when Hrithik calls up his Dad just say HOW MUCH HE LOVES HIM.

@ Gini: All I can say to you is thanks. Do visit this space and all your comments are very special.

Sanat said...

Oye...so much emotional atyachaar...in just one post...

It's very touchy and a great narration too........

Lincey said...

Nice post... Hope you will let me meet with Nitish next time you come down here Mr. Mishra.

Subhajit said...

@ Sanat: Kaheka atyachaar? Thnx 4 ur comments though.

@ Lincey: Ok...let me come down first na.