Sunday, February 14, 2010
I Am Tired...
The short home trip was truly enjoyable, awesome and equally exhausting due to the packed schedule. It's been 4 years of me staying out of home and things have changed a lot since then. I have merely become a guest not only for my relatives back there but I am a guest at my home as well. Everyone behaves so specially with me during my stay that at a certain point of time it becomes quite awkward.
One of my cousins who always demands an expensive gift for him every time I go back home, is demanding a pair of kurtas now. His expectations has not decreased because I have not given him anything till date but he started thinking that I do not belong to the family anymore. He does not have that right or he does not believe that I will get what he asks for anymore :( My maternal grandpa is touching 100 and still going on. He is quite a strong person at heart. He has married off his 5 daughters and 1 son and seen & gone through a lot in his life. Though I have seen him breaking down, but not on happy occasions. The last marriage I attended was of his grandson and he was not really happy with his grandson's choice of the bride. But at the end of the day, he has a heart that only knows to love, he broke down when he saw that the new bride has come home and hugged him. They both cried and he hugged all of us, with unending tears in his eyes. He is a father, he knows what it takes to bring up the children, he can't be angry forever. Found Mom quite busy for me, preparing 10 different dishes and getting tired. I kept on waiting when we both could sit & talk, but I was busy attending events and she was busy for me. For her, that's happiness. For me happiness is defined by her. She does not understand. I don't want her handmade delicacies when that's going to make me miss her from 2000 kms distance. Dad is busy in working unlimited hours and making our future secure. Till when he will slog? He is into mid-fifties and still works more passionately than me. I do not want that, I want him to sit back & relax. He has done too much, it's time for us to take it forward with whatever little experience we have. My brother & I talk pretty less and share a relation that involves more of wavelength-match than anything else. I miss him all the time when I am here and can feel he would be relatively happy if I go back.
But again, my old city has changed. It's just too crowded, the local people are complaining of outsiders intrusion, I reminded them of Raj Thackeray's stand on Mumbai. We can't deny an individuals right in a democratic country where everyone is free to go anywhere to get a living on his/her merit. The old peace of city has diminished a bit, if not completely. My secret backyards are also under threat ;) I was under the attack by all the family members, specially bhabhis, according to them I am the next man in line for marriage. For me it's the line of fire. But for me marriage is at the lowest priority now. I believe one should get married when he should be able to devote/balance time. When one knows when to switch on & switch off between work & home. When one is mentally ready for it, not when the family is ready.
I owe a lot to this city, Mumbai. It gave me a lot. All it asked from me is more discipline and hard work. This city gave me the freedom to think beyond the average things. My job profile and my bosses given me the freedom to think beyond the assigned work. Yes, they also have alleged that I have to leave behind that Odisa-attitude, which is reactive. My bosses taught me to be proactive, when I was just reactive. I almost have done so, and doing it everyday. Mumbai has its own attitude, and yes, it helps to look at life in a complete different way. If you want to make a life a here, then you can't look back. You can't think about your Mom who says you to come down to attend brother's marriage, or it won't allow when you feel like you should see your Dad on his anniversary. Work is priority and time is money here. You will learn what is professionalism in this city. But I am getting emotionally tired. I am hanging somewhere in between the memories and longing of my family and my aspirations to do 'big' things in life. These thoughts are colliding. I am tired mentally. It's taking a lot out of me, and sometimes I am going blank affecting my work and personal life. I love this city & its work culture. I love my family. Both are priorities. My staying away from home is gradually making me feel that I am never going to go back to them. And this thought is scary. If I go back, my boss will win, as one day he told me that you can't work in a private company, you belong to a PSU. I can't accept defeat by going home. I have given output upto his expectations, and worked without thinking about my scheduled time. But I am not here to prove him wrong or work in a PSU. But I kind of feel that options outside this city is going to send me into a guilt trip where I will find myself in a wrong place doing wrong things. I might have to start from the scratch if I go back home. I have few things planned out which I can start there, I can do things that I like and stay at home. Own venture, work, teaching & writing. Or all these are not worth? Oh God! I am confused.
Is home is the place for me? Is this city will be my new home? When will I stay with my parents for the rest of the lifetime? These are the days I want to spend with my closed ones. Similarly, this is time I have to invest in my career. Which path should I take? Which way to go? Money or Peace. Growth or Family. Lifestyle or happiness. Can I have both of these? Is there a way out?
I am tired and I want an answer.