Sunday, November 6, 2011

I Can't Explain ...

I have lived a life with so many colours that it keeps me grounded. I've always remained grounded. So grounded that couldn't help my sibling get a job, being in a profession where I design seductive CTCs and sometimes take more than a dozen interviews a day. I failed to help him, that's the bottom line. Period. And I talk about my network, feeling so proud of them. More than ever. Tell you what, life is on such a fast ride that I have just become a puppet in its hands. My objectives have become - getting a seat in the 9:10 local (else screw your a** standing for an hour, wonder how some morons sit till the train literally stops at CST), reaching my workstation by 10 AM (where 'sometimes' the no. of hours you spend in front of the PC is directly proportional to the percentage hike in March), call a bunch of morons as colleagues without a choice, then catch a train from THE most busiest station with humidity touching atleast 90% day in and day out, then reach home to discover that Chapatis are too thick to eat, then some mandatory calls with a lots of artificial smiles and lies because the  person in front will be disturbed with any deviations from a normal ideal lifestyle, then watch some of Arnab/Rajdeep/Barkha (I equally love Vikram/Sagarika/Shirin) and finally hit the bed thinking what exactly I've added to my LIFE than to just my pre-designed and programmed KRAs.

Hey, I'm not cribbing about my life, I got a great boss n some outstanding people around, few amazing friends, a decent paycheck on the 1st of every month (if no errors happen by my own team!), CCD outings n my lovely Devil's Own (thanks Nivi), and my Mumbai... This city is insanely awesome. It still holds me with its splendour even after 6 years.

And I fight with my best friend over whether Bheendi should be a menu in dinner right inside a mall, I let my brother sleep with mosquitoes after telling him that he's my favourite, I let my colleague handle the same things after being a repeated offender in committing the same mistakes infinite times. I don't do all these deliberately, then why do I do!

I miss my parents every day, since past 6 years. Then what options do I have! I can't go there, they don't like staying here and we just are stuck in this missing game. I miss all those places I've stayed and all those people I've met during each such hot afternoon like today. Remember such November afternoons with just Mom n brother around (on holidays, I never loved my schools though), doing almost nothing apart from bullying my brother and showing that I'm the big bro of the house. Today, I just sleep and look outside my window pane, check old mates in Facebook [and some regular profiles that gives you the kick;)], think about what's in store at the workplace the next day, call people who needs to be called... and those who used to be your everyday buddies are called after being put as reminders in the calendar :(

I call myself a 'positive' person when asked to describe in a word when an interviewers ask me, people around me find that I can tackle situations with ease (only I know that a solution to all the problems are a distant possibility). But that is not the truth entirely, and you can see that in what I write. Each time I promise that I'll write about happiness, celebration and joy, I end up writing about things around me which influences me and my actions. And more or less they do sound negative, even if they are not. Not able to help it, helpless and hapless.

I am tired, plain tired. Just tired of the life I am leading. I never had these 2-year or 5-year plans-of-actions but with such a life where every hour has an objective attached to it, where am I heading! I am not scared of the responsibilities, deadlines or the relationships. I have never been an escapist. But the question is ‘at what cost’! With each passing day, the answer to that question is becoming difficult to think of. And that exactly is what killing me from inside. The answer definitely can not be to leave and go for a self-discovery trip, it can also not be just go back home with some business plans (had proposed around half a dozen so far to Dad only to get rejected). May be, I am not a 10-6 (assuming 8 hrs of work per day as per the Labour Law) guy, but again till the time I am not the son of Mr. Mallya I do not have the liberty of doing what I love and loving what I do (not stealing this from RIM, you morons).

I used to rule the world
Seas would rise when I gave the word
Now in the morning I sleep alone
Sweep the streets I used to own
- Coldplay


Bulbul Jain said...

Ahh...that's typically "Subhajit Mishra" !! Everyone has their own unique way of the winning the hearts after some 100 sins...!! This is your way..and I't find more adjectives)this the most..!!
P.S - Stop ur stupid business plans..that's not you. Take up your writing serioulsy, I am waiting to get a copy of your book..Signed by the author .:)..Think about it!! That what makes you.."Your words"!! Luck & Love!

Jayant said...

Doesn't have a superlike option...:-(

Subhajit said...

@ Bulbul: Just like you, I loved your comments too.... Too much sugar in it. May be I needed that ;)

@ Jay: Thank you bhaijaan!


Liked ur post, .can relate to what u write. What else can i say abt 'ur writting, u managed to get a ''sweet'' comment from the Bulbul jain, that says it all man!!!