Sunday, July 3, 2016

What are we up to?

Well, how many of you bought you that iPhone 5S recently when the price got slashed? Whoa, just 21500 rupees, let's buy an iPhone and become famous.  No? Good. Yes? Well, we will keep the joke for the end.

What kind of start is that for a write up? Brands sell, bigger brands sell even more. And Apple? Oh my freaking God, it sells like anything. Like really anything. But why am I obsessing over Apple phones? Well, let me stay away from it, or like I said already, save the joke for the end.

2016 is a year that is seeing a lot of things we always feared. Too much of tabloid news in mainstream media, too much of serious news in just 140 characters (also known as Twitter, जी हाँ आपने सही पढ़ा ) and almost anything becoming a news, that's even more dangerous. The ways we consume news has also changed. We are now hungry for spices in everything, as if Indian spices were less famous worldwide. Many of my friends are now writing for Newspapers & online. Good to see that, especially when we are reading and watching Rajdeep & Sagarika vent out their personal anger using prime-time slots happily provided by their paymasters, so anyone can write. Today we are basically watching whatever we are being made to watch. And who has the time to question the authenticity? The only authenticity we question is whether our subordinate who sent us that XLS file has copied any content or was original (यह भी आपने बिलकुल सही पढ़ा).

Authenticity is a rare thing these days. There are ones who make a mockery of it. Like when your boss is least bothered about what is your output in during the day but is more concerned if you are reaching at 10 AM or 10:16 AM. Those 16 minutes delay will ensure you spend the rest of the day in listening to the already-repeated-sermon for eternity. Or for that matter Mr. Kejriwal, who is making good use of his IIT knowledge to orgasm over the PM's degree and his attire day and night. But we also have the ones who still stick to the age old practices of understanding the issues as it happen without jumping into any formidable conclusion. Actually, I have seen, these days we do not conclude anymore, we decide even before understanding with our pre-conceived notions or rather our perceptions.

The new trend is attacking Airports. Because plane hijacks are so passe. And our liberals are busy calling them attacks by those who has no religion. Yes bro, we got it. They are just called Abduls and Rahims and Sultans. They just chant Allah-hu-Akbar before detonating themselves. That's perfectly fine. They also kill Muslims, mind you. So they belong to no religion. Dare you tag them anything. This is like fodder to the liberals to take a stand that they are united against terrorism, they are freaking against humanity, morons. Like there is a friend of mine who shares Facebook posts from just one parody Facebook page everyday to show how bad the ruling government is. I mean is that your weapon buddy? And he has so many issues with the current Prime Minister that he shares all his concerns sitting at Australia. Well, we know people do slide when they do go "down-under".

As I write, it is raining cats and dogs and rats and cows and monkeys in Mumbai. Yes, it's a war like situation. I have just invited couple of friends (assuming one drops out, I will still have one) to come over for few pegs of single malt. But hey, wait, did I just say cow? I got to be careful, I live in a state where cow is a Sensitive word to use. Even the state has moved to the Supreme Court to fight to save people from eating beef. Yes, we now have issues like beef eating and snapchat jokes to deal with. And yes, also Sooraj Pancholi. And Adhyayan Suman. Yes, they are the real issues. Drought, floods, corruption, drastic changes in weather and everything else can wait. We have Arnab for that. He will come as our saviour every evening at 9 and by 11 he will deliver his verdict. All set. 2 hours of rigorous intercourse of one shouting over the other and we are done. 

SBI just completed 210th anniversary of theirs. That's a long journey. Especially when you spend almost 105 years of it in having lunch. Over and above that the governments rewards you with an average of 23.5% hike. Life is all good. I mean how many of us get paid to have lunch? We, the private sector folks, look at the government employees and get a picture of the whole country and where it is headed. 

Before I close, I remember the ones who invented things like mission and vision statements. These statements are as useless as the presence of an actress in a Salman Khan movie. I also remember the Apple joke, you have been waiting for. But I almost forgot the joke but what I remember is that this phone which is selling at such low (yet a high) price is a 3 years old phone with specifications that are as outdated as Avtar Gill in movies now. But we still use them, just like Mahesh Bhatt uses Mr. Gill in his movies. Because an iPhone is an iPhone. Because इस चीज़ के ऊपर नहीं बोलने का.

This post is dedicated to all those bosses who give lectures on everything but never really take any stand, also to those SBI employees who relish their lunch and also to Steve Jobs to have created millions of inspirational cellphone users who long to buy an iPhone. You all have made this world exciting. So exciting that, the potholes during monsoon, the hazards of biased conclusions and communication beyond social media is no more as critical.

Hail Bhaijaan, you just said you felt like a raped woman. So much pain can be felt, no? Shame DiCaprio, you got that award for a movie you did not deserve. Oh, did I reverse what I should have written? Start outraging, social media loves it. Yeah.

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