Monday, March 6, 2017

This a nyc post... read & njy mah frndzzzzz

What has happened to us? Especially, in last few years where technology has barged into our lives and has made a permanent place. We have messed up few of our habits, from not speaking to someone and staying glued to our mobile handsets to writing a language which this particular planet, which we call Earth, has never invented.

Sample the below conversation.

“R u k?”
“Ys, m k”
“Nyc... Hw is evr1 @ home”
“Kul…... It is bn long we met”
“Ryt ya, lets meet ya”
“Bt u stay buzy alwys, no tyme fr frndzzzzzz”
“U r also buzy-types. Neva free…….”
“Anywys, lets catch ths weeknd.”
“BTW, wen u cum, get ma buk”
“K bye. Gn”
“C ya. Gnsdtc”

Before we even start talking about what we just witnessed above, what will be more surprising is that most of us read it almost everyday and have become normal with it, while many of us picked it up as well. Because we feel that till the time we can read and understand something, what is the need to be correct (not even perfect) about it. And before you jump into any conclusions, let me clarify that I am not at all making fun of people with bad English usage, this stand of mine is for every language. I feel greatly annoyed when someone speaks my native language in a weird and wrong way or keeps adding words from other languages in between it to make it sound cool. Sample below:

An Odia speaker (my first language, for my Odia friends):

How “they” are speaking : Mu aji car ride kariki jibi, because mora dinner aji outside re plan heichi.
What it can be : Mu aji car re jauchi karana mora aji dinner bahare karibara achhi.
It means : I will be taking my car tonight as I have planned my dinner outside.

A Hindi speaker:

How “they” are speaking: Ya, please do this no, tumhe pata toh hai na ki I dont like itne garmi mein bahar jana.
What it can be : Yaar tu yeh kaam kar dega kya, itne garmi main nahi ja sakti bahar.
It means : Hey, can you do this? You know I can’t go out in so much heat.

I have absolutely no issues with whatever language you use to converse, but stick to one at a time. There are bound to be exceptions for certain words like “Car” or “Bus” or “Table” or “Train” or “Computer” because the real names in vernacular medium is no more used for decades now. But when you mix Hindi with English and start calling it Hinglish, keep it to your inner circle only. Don't force that nonsensical literature on all of us. Who would understand that ‘doesn’ means ‘does not’. ‘Awesome’ has become ‘osum’, life/nice/like has permanently got an ‘Y’ in them - lyk, lyf, nyc. One post read - Dadzz budday bashhhh. Majority of these gems are found in Facebook who are often seen writing things like “Getting married with 27 others”, “getting engaged with 31 others”, “enjoying home food with 13 others” and “looking for intelligent life with XYZ”. When was the last time you were looking for intelligent life? This Facebook language has now become our way of writing in WhatsApp and that is also reflecting while writing emails or any other form of writing.

And a special mention for the hashtag lovers. Instagram started the hashtag culture but people have turned their regular lines into hashtag. Sample this:

#Lyf #Great #Brothersengagement #Happiness #Mehndi #Sangeet #Baingan #Tamatar #Dance #RainDance #MoreDance #GoCrazy #IDontKnowWhyThisLongHashtag #FML #BeautifulMe #ILoveMyself #OsumLyf

My dear friends, when I see my father or my first class teacher write few sentences even today, they never miss a comma or a full stop, let alone any spelling mistakes.  And if you feel that is old fashioned, let me politely remind you, the style of language may evolve but mistakes are mistakes. Rules can never become rulez, even if you drive a Mercedes or sip alcohol sitting on a 37th floor open air lounge.

I would attribute these howlers to the ones who started writing these gems behind their bikes some 12 - 15 years ago - “Mah lyf ….. Mah rulez”. It took some time, but then became a trend. Now we have full blown messages like - “I dont use breaks, becoz I dont fear death”. That’s a good progression not only on grammar front but also on the basic civic sense we possess over the years. We are not far away from a day when any correct usage of any language would be censored as Mr. Nihlani can only understand “Sinema is nly gr8, if it has atom songs bt no kissing sene over 10 secs” and Mr. Gajendra Chauhan, who has done 94 hours of Cinema in the form of a TV serial, would vouch for it.

*Chetan Chauhan would look at Gaj ji and Pahlaj uncle rating a movie from a distance and would smile while entering into a NIFT campus saying “kalaiyon ka sahi upyog”*

P.S. This is a post only bring a smile on your face and not offend anyone who actually writes like this, but if in case you get offended, then keep that offence with you, because - mah lyf, mah rulzz.

P.P.S. Do highlight if I have made any grammatical mistakes while writing this, would be happy to accept and rectify it :)

Sunday, July 3, 2016

What are we up to?

Well, how many of you bought you that iPhone 5S recently when the price got slashed? Whoa, just 21500 rupees, let's buy an iPhone and become famous.  No? Good. Yes? Well, we will keep the joke for the end.

What kind of start is that for a write up? Brands sell, bigger brands sell even more. And Apple? Oh my freaking God, it sells like anything. Like really anything. But why am I obsessing over Apple phones? Well, let me stay away from it, or like I said already, save the joke for the end.

2016 is a year that is seeing a lot of things we always feared. Too much of tabloid news in mainstream media, too much of serious news in just 140 characters (also known as Twitter, जी हाँ आपने सही पढ़ा ) and almost anything becoming a news, that's even more dangerous. The ways we consume news has also changed. We are now hungry for spices in everything, as if Indian spices were less famous worldwide. Many of my friends are now writing for Newspapers & online. Good to see that, especially when we are reading and watching Rajdeep & Sagarika vent out their personal anger using prime-time slots happily provided by their paymasters, so anyone can write. Today we are basically watching whatever we are being made to watch. And who has the time to question the authenticity? The only authenticity we question is whether our subordinate who sent us that XLS file has copied any content or was original (यह भी आपने बिलकुल सही पढ़ा).

Authenticity is a rare thing these days. There are ones who make a mockery of it. Like when your boss is least bothered about what is your output in during the day but is more concerned if you are reaching at 10 AM or 10:16 AM. Those 16 minutes delay will ensure you spend the rest of the day in listening to the already-repeated-sermon for eternity. Or for that matter Mr. Kejriwal, who is making good use of his IIT knowledge to orgasm over the PM's degree and his attire day and night. But we also have the ones who still stick to the age old practices of understanding the issues as it happen without jumping into any formidable conclusion. Actually, I have seen, these days we do not conclude anymore, we decide even before understanding with our pre-conceived notions or rather our perceptions.

The new trend is attacking Airports. Because plane hijacks are so passe. And our liberals are busy calling them attacks by those who has no religion. Yes bro, we got it. They are just called Abduls and Rahims and Sultans. They just chant Allah-hu-Akbar before detonating themselves. That's perfectly fine. They also kill Muslims, mind you. So they belong to no religion. Dare you tag them anything. This is like fodder to the liberals to take a stand that they are united against terrorism, they are freaking against humanity, morons. Like there is a friend of mine who shares Facebook posts from just one parody Facebook page everyday to show how bad the ruling government is. I mean is that your weapon buddy? And he has so many issues with the current Prime Minister that he shares all his concerns sitting at Australia. Well, we know people do slide when they do go "down-under".

As I write, it is raining cats and dogs and rats and cows and monkeys in Mumbai. Yes, it's a war like situation. I have just invited couple of friends (assuming one drops out, I will still have one) to come over for few pegs of single malt. But hey, wait, did I just say cow? I got to be careful, I live in a state where cow is a Sensitive word to use. Even the state has moved to the Supreme Court to fight to save people from eating beef. Yes, we now have issues like beef eating and snapchat jokes to deal with. And yes, also Sooraj Pancholi. And Adhyayan Suman. Yes, they are the real issues. Drought, floods, corruption, drastic changes in weather and everything else can wait. We have Arnab for that. He will come as our saviour every evening at 9 and by 11 he will deliver his verdict. All set. 2 hours of rigorous intercourse of one shouting over the other and we are done. 

SBI just completed 210th anniversary of theirs. That's a long journey. Especially when you spend almost 105 years of it in having lunch. Over and above that the governments rewards you with an average of 23.5% hike. Life is all good. I mean how many of us get paid to have lunch? We, the private sector folks, look at the government employees and get a picture of the whole country and where it is headed. 

Before I close, I remember the ones who invented things like mission and vision statements. These statements are as useless as the presence of an actress in a Salman Khan movie. I also remember the Apple joke, you have been waiting for. But I almost forgot the joke but what I remember is that this phone which is selling at such low (yet a high) price is a 3 years old phone with specifications that are as outdated as Avtar Gill in movies now. But we still use them, just like Mahesh Bhatt uses Mr. Gill in his movies. Because an iPhone is an iPhone. Because इस चीज़ के ऊपर नहीं बोलने का.

This post is dedicated to all those bosses who give lectures on everything but never really take any stand, also to those SBI employees who relish their lunch and also to Steve Jobs to have created millions of inspirational cellphone users who long to buy an iPhone. You all have made this world exciting. So exciting that, the potholes during monsoon, the hazards of biased conclusions and communication beyond social media is no more as critical.

Hail Bhaijaan, you just said you felt like a raped woman. So much pain can be felt, no? Shame DiCaprio, you got that award for a movie you did not deserve. Oh, did I reverse what I should have written? Start outraging, social media loves it. Yeah.

Friday, May 6, 2016

Finding Light

अपनी मंज़िल पे पहुँचना भी खड़े रहना भी, कितना मुश्किल है बड़े हो के बड़े रहना भी  - शकील आज़मी

A last goodbye is always required. Yet the final goodbye is not easy. This dilemma is eternal. How much ever time you spend with someone, it falls short when they depart. You wish you could have spent some more time with them, you could have told them more about your dreams in life, listen some more stories from them. We might have spent years with them, yet the departures are difficult. You may term it as bonding, relationships and what not. The fact is, deep inside us, we are all attached to someone, to something. Whether we accept or not, humans are weak, much more than they think are.

It has been 10 years I have been staying far from parents. They have come to this karmabhoomi of mine umpteen number of times, but each time they pack their bags I break from inside, many times over. I told myself that now I have grown up and should not break down anymore, just does not happen. I used to hide my tears when I came here to study till now when I am married for 3 years. It is difficult, I have realised, to act as a grown up and equally challenging to not feel anything about what people think of you.

I, for one, live in nostalgia.

कुछ दूर तक तो जैसे कोई मेरे साथ था, फिर अपने साथ आप ही चलना पड़ा मुझे - अमीर कजलबश

My struggle in this city has been minimal yet real. I take pride in it. I earned a name (however little it is) for myself and lead a decent life. My struggle has been much more difficult when I decided to leave everything aside (a well settled job, a good place to stay, a great circle of friends) and go back to my hometown, almost 2 years back to be precise. I knew the odds were against me, at an age where people only go up in their careers. I spent an year at a place I grew up and knew everything about. But each day spent there made me more disillusioned. I started questioning the inept system, poor administration, lack of employment opportunities, lack of civic sense and so on. The most common answer to majority of problems I got was - I expecting too high. I knew I would not survive for long with a constrained aspiration limit.

अब हवाएँ ही करेंगी रौशनी का फ़ैसला, जिस दिए में जान होगी वो दिया रह जाएगा - महशर बदायुनी

And I had to come back. Mumbai has taught me more than what education has. Not just humility or responsibilities towards the society we live in, it taught me the value of making a mark for yourself, without any help or influence. Mumbai is ruthless, quite stubborn and adamant and will try its best to break your back. But that is just a phase, once you put your foot down and take up the challenge, the same city becomes a city of dreams, hopes and aspirations that none other can give you. It embraces you. Each day I spend here is a learning by itself, quite contrary to the city I belong to. When I was at the peak of my suffocation and got a call if I would return back to Mumbai, I never thought twice. Parents, as they always have been, said a big yes.

It is not about lowering expectations, it is about not utilising your skills that makes you stagnant (not behind the race, for race is an illusion). Mumbai, my love for you is infinite and more. I remain indebted.

जिनके पास सिर्फ सिक्के थे वो मज़े से भीगते रहे बारिश में, जिनके जेब में  नोट थे वो छत तलाशते रहे - मिथिलेश बरिया

I do not like to travel much after the gruelling travel I do for work everyday. I am not too adventurous too. Hence, I bear the brunt of many of my friends of not meeting them at different parts of the city (and the country too). I have come to realise that I have got one life to live, so can not waste it for any excuse. So, I will try to ditch my laziness and my inhibitions and get soaked in rain, not thinking whether my mobile phone is waterproof or not.

Love. S.

Thursday, January 8, 2015

Go Screw Your Religion (Thank me later)

Do not get surprised or offended by such an outrageous title of the post. And if you do, then do not kill me. I normally keep opinions related to religion or spiritual beliefs to myself. I know eyebrows will be raised and I will be judged for my opinions. I neither have the energy nor the interest to defend my stand or my views to people who would just want to align my views with theirs.

I used to be an atheist but tilted towards being an agnostic over the last few years. I am not exactly proud of being a Hindu or for that matter a Brahmin (no reservation quota, you know). While growing up, I was equally inclined to Islamic & Christianity and never could understand what differentiates ‘them’ from ‘us’. I remember asking my friends to know who created this differentiation. At that age, they didn’t have the answers nor did I. When I went to my parents, they only told me these are beliefs that are there since centuries and being a part of ‘this’ religion; we need to abide by it. But no concrete answer.

I had/have many non-Hindu friends. But when I look back to the time when I became friends with them, I found out I didn’t choose them to be my friend based on their surnames. I chose them because our wavelength clicked. But now when I meet someone, I am programmed by the society to look at him/her in a different way. It is only because of my education and conscience that I look beyond their names. But I dread how easily can we be trapped in these perceptions created by others.

Let’s now slightly move towards the flipside of it. Every religion has its passive, active and extreme followers. The problem generally begins with the extreme ones, for they are not followers, they start taking the place of Gods people believe in. They start talking like the custodians of their religion and for that reason also take the sole responsibility to defend it. Who are they to defend? Who appointed them? And what exactly are they defending? Whom are they defending? The answers to all these will solve entire set of problems. In between these custodians, some have gone all the way to kill people. They kill people, from all religion, including theirs in the name of their God. More than 95% of such defenders of faith belong to a specific religion. And they claim to be protecting the 1.7 billion (or roughly 25% of world population) citizens in world belonging to them.

Now what can be done? Nothing, if we are to continue this blame game and finding an escape route. Much, if ‘we’ take a clear stand. Who are these ‘we’? It is those 1.7 billion people, nor the rest. Because the rest have been condemning these terror attacks month after month, year after year and decade after decade. The rest used to sulk at their homes, now they do that at various social media platforms. But nothing will happen with this shit. It is ‘if’ and ‘only if’ the educated class of the ‘religion of peace’ will stand up and clearly denounce these acts. They must declare it loud and clear that they or their God does not need to be defended by killing people.

You ignore, boycott, ban, threaten and then kill. I refuse to accept the fact that there would be any administration in the world that would not listen to someone in the first 4 levels. And these ‘so-called’ defenders of their faith get on to level 5 directly for even a satire on their God. On the contrary, other religions make and enjoy full-length feature films on Gods. Dichotomy? It’s just the tolerance. It is the tolerance towards others that defines the richness of our religion, culture but most importantly our upbringing as a human being.

Now in 2015, we have got a new section of people. They are called pseudo-liberals or terror apologists. They would defend exactly the opposite the mainstream would be talking about. They would analyze each move by the majority govt. but would overlook thousands of nonsensical things being carried out by the minority. After each terror strike, they would be the first ones to come out in saying that let’s not blame a whole religion, let’s not use this as a platform to peddle terror by other religion and so on. Seriously? Are they pointing out to those 5% to become the messiah of the rest 95% terrorists? We have a great example by the name of Pakistan, our beloved neighbor since 1947. The whole world knows where Dawood Ibrahim is and where Osama Bin Laden was. Just like Pak denied having Osama in their land, they still deny that they give shelter to terrorist outfits. When hundreds of school children were killed in Peshawar, the people of Pakistan realized the menace that they are feeding in their homeland. The administration only started a crackdown on selected terrorist groups, excluding the India-centric outfits and the ones they felt are very powerful to retaliate. It is not that there are no one in Pakistan who are speaking blatantly against terrorism, but they are too few to be ignored. So where does this solve the problem? How many countries that are having a majority of the ‘religion of peace’ have ‘openly’ denounced what the ISIS is doing or speak against the Talibans or Al-Qaida? None. And those who does, gets a fatwa. Be it Taslima Nasreen or Salman Rushdie or M.F. Hussain, none of them were spared in their countries for speaking the truth. And those who argue about M.F. Hussain’s treatment in a secular country like India in reference to Charlie Hebdo massacre, I remind them that Hussain died of age as a millionaire, he was not shot down.

Salman Rushdie's remarks after the recent Charile Hebdo massacre
I stand in the public debates, whether in a canteen or on a social media, and openly say that pathetic comments and acts by fringe Hindu groups called RSS or VHP are plain disgusting. I say it loud and clear that they are morons. So is my stand against the home-grown Naxals or Maoists. They need to be eliminated from the root without any explanation. They are not fighting for the poor; they are killing under misguidance of certain elements. I wonder if my friends from the ‘religion of peace’ would come out so openly against their extremists. Charlie Hebdo, a French satire publication, lampooned and lambasted all religions, minorities or majorities, refused to have a different yardstick for a ‘specific’ religion. But only that ‘specific’ religion reacted and threatened and killed the entire publication house. Peace, you know. They like people to shut their mouth and stay in peace. No satire, no jokes, no laughs. Stay serious, else we will peace you out, in pieces.

If you think your faith wants you to kill children, or needs to be defended from cartoonists, then you are a joke. The world has fought two World Wars and seen millions killed before these bastards started their ‘Jihad’. If they would actually read and interpret their ‘holy-book’ properly, they would rethink. But they won’t, there are counselors appointed to interpret those verses differently. Our leaders also play politics with their name. So it actually is a big nexus. Only the people of ‘that’ religion can stand up and speak against this fast-spreading disease. Your religion isn’t taking you anywhere, your work will. Your work is your only identity in this new world.

Islam means peace, submission, purity. The foundation of this religion is not based on violence. The real Quran never advocates killing people for Allah, the almighty. Each day when these cowards kill people hiding their faces, who is insulting Prophet Mohammed more? The cartoonists or the killers? Yes my Muslim friends, I am the same guy you know since years. And I want to remain the same guy. Just allow me to be. Just allow me to fight for you, defend you. But you stop defending or remaining silent for the ones who are degrading your entire religion. Either you speak or the world will assume that you are one of them. Remember, we have a Prime Minister who is still questioned about what happened 13 years back, so you all will be questioned for what is happening worldwide almost everyday taking the name of ‘your’ God. Because I never heard any of these terrorists saying that I killed for Osama, for Dawood, for Lakhvi, they all say they killed for Allah. I doubt Allah would be remotely proud of this.

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Words & Me

There is this person who always told me how she loves my words more than me. She has always maintained it. Never changed her stand. I tried persuading her all throughout. Catherine is one stubborn yet sincere reader of my irrelevant work. But each time she says that she loves my words more than me, I honestly feel jealous of my words. I felt I need to crosscheck with Aditya to find if I deserved some attention just like my words. He also declined to oblige my contribution to my words. I felt disowned. It was almost getting proved that my words were actually better than me. It was obvious on my part to feel restless and not so happy.

I felt what should I be doing to be liked by people. It was hard to find a reason. It was equally difficult to find a better alternative to the 'words' either. In Marketing terminology, I almost went on to sell myself. It was of no use. I was falling behind in the race to my own words. My words were going ahead each time I wrote. I decided to write things that won't please the readers. I wrote about incidents that presented the ugly realities of the world. I penned down stories that would disturb an average reader. I often tried to stir the stereotyped sensibilities we are conditioned to.

In the process of all such efforts, I found myself far behind in the race. So behind that, I realized I will never be able to win it. My words took the limelight. It is not that I didn't like the limelight, but I never disliked it. I knew I will always remain a shadow to my words. My words no more were an extension to my definition, they eclipsed my identity altogether. I started analyzing what am I writing, I dissected them to the core. I said to myself I cannot write anything more extreme than this.

I found out I was only writing Truth.