The Valley of Heaven & Hell

What it feels to be told that a part of your home is disputed, is under somebody else’s control. It feels awkward, it upsets you and you will surely feel like it taking it back. Then you are told about so many clauses to get your hold on that part that you get confused, you get tired. Then the most painful part: people residing in that part of your home start speaking in a different tone, start believing in theories that you never heard. They become more tolerant to your neighbors than you, they celebrate the success of your neighbors not yours. These things makes you ask yourself: what action can be taken, why they are speaking a different language, what are the areas you are falling short or is it even worth keeping them as a part of your home?

Well what I am going to write ahead is about a topic or should I say an issue on which it has been comprehensively written about, spoken about and debated. It’s about a place called Kashmir, at one point of time called as ‘heaven on earth’. Yes, today there are no signs of any heavenly feeling or news coming from that valley, one of the most scenic places I have seen in my whole life. It has been more than 2 decades that the valley has been witnessing casualties almost every day. There has been infiltration, there have been riots and there have been attacks on Indian Army by locals. Our beloved neighbor Pakistan has been claiming its rights on the valley since ages, the people of valley has been asking for an independent state status, India has only claiming that the valley is their inseparable part. No conclusions, no decisive action or no punitive measures on attacks by monsters in masks.

Militants have been active in Kashmir over last 2 decades claiming more than 50000 lives including the men in uniform, that’s quite some number. Many battles have been fought, trust has been broken more than once, but we have not reached at any conclusion. Blood is shed every day to prove the point of a small section of people. We, as a country, have been soft on our foreign policies since inception. This has resulted in China intruding our land, Pakistan doing the same and many other countries taking the benefit playing around our policies. All we have done so far as a government is to witness in mute is Kashmiri Pundits being killed and thrown out of the valley, innocent lives taken by terrorists in the name of religion and invasion of neighbors from all parts of the valley.

Now, having said all these, there is an aspect of Kashmir that silences me to some extent. It’s like that part of the home which is disputed has reasons for it. You discover that you only know 80% of the whole story when you go through such history. Kashmir as a state was under dispute right from the beginning and India never handled it in a firm way. We have always allowed others to invade our land and our minds before we spoke or took action. The one thing we have religiously doing in last 6 decades of our independence is talk about “peace” and countless initiatives on it. And all we got in return is betrayal of our neighbors. But in the hindsight, there have been no clearly defined policies in place.

Today, giving away the valley to any country will not make it a better place; giving it an independent status will solve no purpose. The simple reason behind it is Pakistan is not capable to sustain its own economy and feed its own people. It is equally infected with insurgency on its own soil. Making this state an independent entity will make it even poorer as there is no source of income apart from tourism (which is already badly hit thanks to terrorism). But the saddest part of all is, these are not understood by the inhabitants of the valley. They are simply being driven by a herd mentality with unjustified demands. Such cases needs to be dealt with a lot of precision and needs to be validated by strong administration.

I agree and accept that there have been incidences of army’s misconduct; there have been instances of protesters being handled in wrong ways and also false encounters. These acts cannot be accepted under any circumstances when we talk of such high integrity and democracy. We also cannot, under any situation, overlook the peacemaking treaties we have signed and the voices of the people there.

Before I finish, I would like to mention what makes me sad as a citizen of this country. I feel ashamed when an attack on Mumbai is justified by certain militant group and people of the valley remain silent. I feel terrible when Kashmiris protest the hanging of Afzal Guru, does that justify the attack on the parliament. I feel bad when they remain silent on the barbaric attacks of Pakistan on our citizens jailed there. The way they celebrate when we lose in sports, the way they cheer when beating & stoning our army men.

May be that part of our home does not want to embrace us as their own, may be they do not identify themselves with us or may be they were never ours.

Few links which represents multiple dimensions to this issue, do read:

http://www.indiatogether.org/peace/kashmir/intro.htm

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Timeline_of_the_Kashmir_conflict

http://www.un.org/en/peacekeeping/missions/unmogip/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Human_rights_abuses_in_Kashmir

http://www.hrw.org/sites/default/files/reports/INDIA935.PDF

Nostalgia. Now. Dreams.

It’s been a different life, different few months. Months that has changed quite a few things. People ask me to describe this phase; it gives them sheer pleasure to indulge in such quiz for they know any answer would excite them. Sometimes the no. of questions are infinite if you allow yourself. There has been more than one instances where I have had close acquaintances with few where each of them came with a conclusion written or decided in between. Had my share of luck, love & happiness long way back, for quite a long time. Somewhere I couldn't muster the courage, interest & invest time for something ‘that’ serious after that era was over. I could not seize certain moments, I could not take that one extra step, I could not let go of my inhibitions. But past is past, no looking back, no regrets. But I have lived a lifetime with nostalgia. It is something that moves with me, it’s something I live with. I love it & hate it. All at the same time. Deep inside, there lives some ‘emotions’ which I am yet to define or understand.

Nostalgia is something that keeps me going, it is something I live with. It is insanely painful yet so real. It shows me a picture I can not detach myself from. It is my truth, those were my moments. I lived them with my own conscience. There may not be any ‘undo’ button, but I am also not finding any ‘repair’ button as well. I need it. May not be badly, but surely. I want to go back to ground zero. Home. Want to live with just those I know since I know myself. Don’t want new things in life, don’t need additions. Memories, in the form of nostalgia, takes me back years. Years, that I am not able to find now, times I am missing. Times I spent without any pre-conditions. Missing so badly that I want to go back and stay there. Never travel to future. For I know what future has in store. Yes, it has dreams, so many of them. I, as a person, have believed in them for the whole life. Now I realize, every dream comes true at a price tag. A tag too costly, a tag too materialistic.

So my search for myself continues. But I am getting tired, my patience is running out. Thick and fast. And I am getting old too. I know I have been impatient throughout my life, but that’s not a crime. It has paid me more often than not. It has shattered my dreams as well. But why do I need to do all these permutations, why do I need to do so much analysis? Writing is what gives me solace, that’s what I am doing, that’s what I can do and that’s what I am capable of. That’s what I will do. 

When Would It Stop!

Today when I open the newspaper or switch on to a news channel, I do not get surprised by the reporting of the crime that is happening every single day. But what saddens to the core is the quantum and the way of committing them. We are not only degrading as a society, but at the same time we are putting ourselves in the dock where we will be questioned about our morality and our ethics. And we are same country which boasts of culture, ethics and values of 5000 years old. I used to be uncomfortable in my growing years reading about rapes and then I became ashamed of such cases. Today, I am simply tired with repeated anguish. Such incidents started questioning the law and order that we have in place, it questioned the judiciary system we have but more than anything else, it questioned my belief in my fellow countrymen. 

The next thing that we discuss is the self-protection tools for women. They should carry chilly powder, a knife, a gun, get trained in Karate and what not. And these statements are being released by Head of Police, Head of State & Home Ministers who are supposed to be the saviors. But my question here is, why does a woman need to carry all these stuff when her counterpart can roam around freely. Does her gender make her vulnerable or being a woman entitles you to remain in a state of fear of everyone around. At this rate, a girl will only have to stuff packets of chilly powder & guns in her wallet in times to come.

We are already living in a country where we are running uncountable campaigns to save the girl child and yet we are failing to do so. And where does such incidents drive us, what kind of message are we giving? That even if someone musters the courage against a panchayat to have a girl child, only to kept her in the closet, not to be given proper education, to meet the demand for the dowry, to keep her away from talking to her male friends or use a mobile. More so, to be treated like this when she steps out of home in the evening. This is not anymore sad, this is plain 'sick'.

Finally, when I sit and look at ways to curb such a heinous act, I feel neither death sentence nor a policeman in every corner will help us overcome this. Because no death sentence has stopped people killing each other and bombs have exploded right in front of Police Headquarters. It all begins from home, it all lies in the education. It's our upbringing & the education that helps us look at a women in a way that is respectful. And we, the males, are no one to give them respect, they deserve it as much as we do. I am sure that nothing can help stop such acts as it all lies within. For I know women are raped on their own beds behind four walls and no policeman can ever enter there.

My People. My Life.

10 Days:

I remember myself teasing my younger brother in the years of growing up. He never liked it, infact hated it. But I used to feel so great when he was irritated. As we grew up and stopped fighting over the cake Mom makes at home, I realize that I shared the closest bond during the 'teasing phase'. Today, when I sit with him to watch Bigg Boss to de-stress over watching nonsense by the in-mates in the show, I realize my fights with him were far more better :P I don't pull his cheek anymore, instead his leg. Sometimes he likes it, sometimes he does not. But with 10 more days to go, I believe I might miss all those days, fights and moments even more.

And yes, who is going to bat first post school hours was a life-altering decision at one point.

9 Days:

When I used to visit my maternal grandparents during my school holidays, I used to be quite ecstatic about it. Not just because I loved the city they used to stay, the locales or the big buildings there, but primarily because I was hopelessly attached to one my cousin brother (uncle's son). I just did not know why, but he was that one guy who used to be my idol, in every aspect. He always had got better video game discs, he always had a better bicycle, he always could give me solutions to my problems. He also was the only one close to my age-group, making it easier to spend time with him. But when I look back today, I try to find why I always used to be so close to him and I practically found no big reason for it, apart from one. I realized he has been the greatest story-teller in my life. Almost on every theme of life, he has got some story to tell. Though he specialized in ghost-stories, all sorts of fiction was his forte. And his story-telling capabilities made me believe in each one of those stories. Wish I keep on hearing them for the rest of my life.

8 Days:

I never have been a great student during my school or college days. My teachers were never so impressed by me (barring few). So, basically I never gave my parents (especially Dad) moments to feel proud. Then I reached a stage in my life where I realized studying should be about gaining, acquiring and understanding 'perspectives'. And it is my Dad, who only gave me all the liberty to go for what I wanted to pursue instead of what he wanted. May be he realized he would be happy if I would be. I chose Literature followed Human Resources, roads not many of my contemporaries did not want to tread. How successful they are or I today is irrelevant and subjective, but what matters is 'the way I look at things around me'. Yes, I have changed and changed for good. Perspectives.

7 Days:

Movies are a part of my life. Sometimes they define few (actually many) of my attributes, sometimes I feel I knew how a script would unfold. My relationship with films and film-making as a process has been beautiful and would remain so in years to come. It's a relationship of multiple commitments, and we both fight it out every week. I simply love the journey of sitting in a dark room for close to 3 hours and be a part of it without pretending. And I love to be amazed by the story-telling, the screenplay, the cinematography, the editing, the music, the lyrics. Every technical aspect of it. I love the actors, they are a different species. And last but not the least, the magicians, yes I call the Directors as magicians  They actually create a world around you and you believe in them, even if just for 3 hours. That's what they are capable of. Alas, we do not see many such good movies running in theaters these days, thanks to the 100-crore pressure and the 3-day-weekend-business concept. Yet, we are breaking new boundaries, with some great talent around and  making some real good cinema and I am insanely in love with it more than ever.

6 Days:

I mostly live in nostalgia. It keeps me awake, keeps me going. People around me keep reminding me living in present and planning for the future. But the few things that keeps makes me feel at ease is the days I lived and the moments I shared with the ones around me. I feel my past drives for what I do today and what aspire to do tomorrow. It allows me to rectify myself and it helps me understand myself better. It tells me about my upbringing, it prepares me for a future where I will have my conviction.

I live my last day today in Mumbai as a bachelor and leave to city where my roots belong tomorrow.

5 Days:

I have been fortunate enough to be known as friends of few such people who has been there with me since the time I have known myself as a person. One has taught me how to play hard Cricket, how to drive a bike and most importantly to reach late. I was late in schools and carried on the habit till date. And yes, it is terrible to reach late in office being in HR. But old habits, you know! There's one more friend who taught me how to live a life with almost nothing, absolute nothing. He lived his life on his own when he was 15, and his responsibilities did not just include himself. He lived through it and went on. In the true sense of it, we can call it his 'struggle', but that guy never made anyone feel what he was going through. I, today, stand tall for what he has achieved, though he is still not convinced with them yet. But he is the guy who made me realize what humility is, how hard the life can be and how better I am off today to think and write about all these!

There is a slowness in the atmosphere, is it just my tiredness or something else!

4 Days:

My father tells so many good things to imbibe apart from one. But watching him all these years makes me understand one thing which I believe is very crucial to become a better human being: be content. I know I have not even distantly close to the level of 'contentment' he has in his life, but I believe it's time I should learn that. He has lived a life that has got every aspect of seriousness and his motto was simple: time takes no holiday. I have told this before and I am saying it again, my life would be worth living one if I can become half of what he is. Whether his meticulous approach to each work, his passion and dedication to each of his assignment and his ethics towards life. Phenomenal.

As I sign off for the day, I wish I could write on forever. Bhubaneswar is little less cold this year, may be the season is also feeling nervous about the newness.

3 Days:

I lived my life in multiple places thanks to the nature of my father's job. I changed 3 schools in as many different location till 10th. Then changed 2 locations till graduation. But I lived the majority of my life where I understood and discovered life in 2 locations. Bhubaneswar and Mumbai, a city of temples and a city of dreams, respectively. The first city helped me leave my teenage back and strive for bigger aspirations in life, while the later one helped me become a true professional in every sense. While my hometown left so many beautiful memories to live on, the dream town gave me my identity. Both stand very close to my heart and I always believed I will never be able to give back what these two cities given me as a human being.

With that note, I think and realize how incomplete I would have been without staying in these two cities and the life I have lived in each part of it.

2 Days:

Ma, Mumma, Mummy... you may decide what you want to call the person who has been the one who shapes you emotionally, mentally and physically. So many roles, all put into one, one super woman, the Mother. There is no substitute, no replacements. The ever-compromising, the lovely creation who can never be questioned irrespective of her mistakes (if any!), because she is beyond any comparison. She rarely gets the recognition she deserves, she rarely is given the limelight, but in spite of all these she actually is the backbone of each family. In my case, I am very fortunate to crib a lot and she allowed me to do that. And today, when I sit back and look her contribution towards me, I feel lost. In my last 7 years stay away from home, I realized her worth everyday when I have food, when I struggle for my stuff, when I have coffee, when I forget to switch off the light and when I simply think of family. She is the binding factor in the family and in our lives. She completes me.

As I go to sleep tonight with 36 hours for 'the' day, I must confess, how much I love, admire and respect my Dad, I would ever remain a Mumma's boy.

I just had my last dinner with my 3 integral people of life. Happy. Sad. Happy.

1 Day:

I have written about multiple people, multiple places and multiple incidents. It may not interest you, but it has been my life and I felt my last few days which were melancholic for many reasons and nostalgic as always, deserved to come out. I am happy for the 27 years I lived as a bachelor and equally looking forward to the years to come where I would be sharing my life with someone. And these people, places & incidents make my life worth living and loving. If I am happy today, these things make me happy. 

From tomorrow, I have ONE more added reason :)

Meri Pehli Panktiyan...

Maa

Maa kehti thi ki jab bhi dar lage toh ghar aajana,

Baba kehte the ladna apne dar se, kabhi haar na maan na.

Mujhe raahat  mili toh sirf Maa ke us aanchal mein,

Baar baar chhupta raha, hazaar baar roya bhi wahan.

Aur har ek baar sukoon mila mujhe, woh Maa nahi ek alag hi duniya thi.

Abhi  bhi sochta hoon, dhoondta bhi hoon, kabhi rona aaye toh sirf yeh soch kar aansoon behte hain,

Ki kya Maa itni door hai ya mein khudse.

Tum

Mujhe faasla pasand nahi tha kabhi, mazboori thi jo usko paal rahi thi,

Tum gaye toh aise gaye, mein abhi bhi lad raha hoon un raaston se.

Wapas toh nahi la sakta, woh beete hue lamhein,

Mod nahi sakta, woh gujre hue pal,

Lekin yaad karke hans toh sakta hoon, un haseen lamhon par, tumhare un waadon par,

Woh har ek baat par jo hamne saath mein kahi thi. Aur apne aap par.

Kab se dhoondh raha khud ko, milta hi nahin hoon,

Aisa lagta hai main chhipa nahin, laapata hoon.

Ek Packet Ummeed

Kabhi kabhi yeh sochke hairan hota hoon, pareshan bhi,

Ki tumhare aane ka ilm nahi tha, lekin door jaane ka itna afsos kyun hai.

Tum na  meri thi, na kabhi ho  paati,

Lekin  ummeedein tab bhi thi, ab abhi hain. 

Main bhi apni khwahish ke bojh ke tale daba,

Un saari chahaton ko yehi kehke samjha raha hoon, ki hum phir milenge,

Kuch der baad.

Chund tasveerein dil ke kuch kono mein, abhi bhi bikhri hui hain,

Unko sametne ka kuch aur hi maza hai.

Lekin jab jab woh yaadon bhari hawa chalti hai, apne aapko le chalta hoon un dinon mein,

Jab humne bhi duniya ki parwaah nahi ki thi.

Subah uthke tokri bhar ummeed liye nikalta hoon,

Yehi sochta hoon, ki hogi sunwaayi kabhi, aur lagegi haaziri meri bhi.

Meri chuppi meri humsafar kab se hai, 

Maine jeeti hain kuch jung bhi, chup reh reh ke.

Ab shayad haara nahi, par thak chuka hoon,

Neend nahi aane par jhooti neend sota hoon.

Mujhe kisi se shikayat nahi ratti bhar,

Bhala ho bhi kyun, maine bhi ki hai laakhon galtiyan.

Sawaal maine bahut poochhe apne aapse, jawab mile bhi, nahi bhi,

Lekin khush nahi ho paya main, aur na hi khush kar paya kisi ko.

[Would like to thank Suruchi for helping me edit this]