Sunday, April 25, 2010

Will You Please...

We accept it or not, but we do crib. It’s nothing but natural, as life is not the way we want it. so just like VVS Laxman saying why me each time he has been dropped from the Indian team, today, I also find myself saying why me. Though I always believed in the theory of ‘moving on’ with life after each setback one faces, I have to accept that there are few things that are going to remain with you still you exist. Nothing wrong, but again if that comes in the way of a new life you want to start, then it’s a problem. What to do about it? Way back in 1998, I was shortlisted for a national level quiz competition with one of my partner when I was in 9th standard, but could not get a call thanks to last minute schedule changes which did not allow us board the train. Reason: our school was not having a big profile. I studied science in 11th & 12th standard, it was not my choice, but my father had never thought anything beyond science stream. My score in 12th has proven him wrong. I did not know where to go from there, but Dad himself helped me to choose a discipline that suits me best. And that was the last time he suggested me anything on my career though I ask him before taking any decisions, love him for that.

I had this awesome dream I saw for some 7-odd years before realizing that I have been asked to wake up. I woke up, found the other person involved in the dream nowhere. Thought will move on. Just a few days of disbelief and then life was back on track. Or so I thought. After being a benchmark for others for being in a relationship for so long, became a benchmark on how to move on after you are all alone. Felt great to maintain my benchmarking level intact (sometimes I owe this attribute to my internship project on benchmarking analysis of PMS across industries, LOL). Life kept on moving. Many new persons came and my heart kept on planning for renewed dreams. Mind was anyways not in a mood. After waking up, 1 year I was into some kind of hibernation thanks to my corporate engagements and my close friends. Then life saw many colors with all shades. They came & they went. Sometimes, I forced them to. I have been rude, I accept. 3 years down the line, today, when I look back, I see that I have lost more than thing after that ‘wake up’. I realized that the lady, who has not been with me, has also taken away many emotions which cannot be reproduced again. They are irreparable. She has been a great influence in my life for such a long time; I spent 1/3rd of my life when we got separated. That’s a big ratio. Last 3 years has given me enough opportunities and I was upto the task, almost. But you know what, something’s missing. Something’s really missing. I think she took away all those emotions from me. I get close… I get touched… then I feel blank. Can’t explain how those moments are being passed by me nonchalantly. Sometimes I feel have I really moved on? Or is it that I am just trying to pretend and has perfected the art of pretention. Till when dude?

Is ‘love’ still a reality for me? Or it has become an illusion like ‘happiness’? Anyways, illusions are entertaining… but sometimes. I have stopped defining what happiness is. These days it has become a 15% hike in appraisal, having a dum biriyani or finding a place to stand in the local train on my way to office. Wow! Till when I will become happy with all these things? I know, it’s over…long time… but have I lost the capability to get into that mode in my life again? I know I am out of it, but why do I feel bored of doing those simple and stupid things again? I hate doing clich├ęd things, but atleast let me not make anybody sad and not make anybody say that I am such a boring guy. It’s tough yaar. I am tired. Neither can I be artificial nor can I am able to define happiness. Have been living alone for so long now... never had the habit...

Would I ever be able do define what is this ‘happiness’ all about? Or a ‘final goodbye’ from this world is just the right answer? Hey Mom…Dad… all of you… please allow me… find one thing….

P E A C E

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Summer Bites...

I just had a look at my post uploaded almost at this time last year Summer of '09, and I realised how good it was to anticipate summer as the school gets closed and we had all the time in the world to plan our long vacation. I am working since last 3 summers in order to pursue higher career growth. Atelast I presume so. I have forgotten what it means to dare the sun and roam around in the hot afternoons like I used to. The worst part is when you want to forget something, you fail 9 out of 10 times and when you really to remember something, the equation reads the opposite. Before I get more nostalgic and sound more pathetic, I need to stop.

Had been working day in & day out without a break since last 4 months... A few parties here & there have saved me from dying as a workaholic. Appraisal's still to happen. Work is getting less challenging after finishing all the assignments. End result: monotonous is the word of the day. Even twittering is getting on to the head. Bro's coming for internship, also expecting parents to accompany him for few days as my home trip is not looking a reality till end of November. IPL's getting all possible TRPs for masala we have never seen before. Quality cricket, worst cricket, scandals, corruption, allegations and some renewed energy inside the cheerleaders. Guys retaliating girls by getting married this year, seems they think it's some kinda revenge. Sometimes illusions make you happy. Girls were on a marriage spree last year. At this rate, my entire class will be over by next year. But, I am more than sure that I'll be the last man standing. Those who are not into the marriage thing, are still sorting out their professional career graph by retaliating with their bosses... yes switching jobs.

Nothing comes easy. Nothing is given to you. Whatever you do, you've got to work for it and earn it. Whatever reward you get you've got to know that you've had your input into that success. There's no substitute for hard work. And if you want to be well known or well liked, you have to put yourself out for people.... No no...do not misunderstand me, I have not written those last 2 lines. But whoever has written it sounds good though. I am quite impatient, so always missed the bus of success, went ahead without it in my life. Well, we do catch each other sometimes.

Life has become a 24 hour cycle with definitions and objectives attached to each hour.