Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Meri Pehli Panktiyan...


Maa kehti thi ki jab bhi dar lage toh ghar aajana,
Baba kehte the ladna apne dar se, kabhi haar na maan na.
Mujhe raahat  mili toh sirf Maa ke us aanchal mein,
Baar baar chhupta raha, hazaar baar roya bhi wahan.
Aur har ek baar sukoon mila mujhe, woh Maa nahi ek alag hi duniya thi.
Abhi  bhi sochta hoon, dhoondta bhi hoon, kabhi rona aaye toh sirf yeh soch kar aansoon behte hain,
Ki kya Maa itni door hai ya mein khudse.


Mujhe faasla pasand nahi tha kabhi, mazboori thi jo usko paal rahi thi,
Tum gaye toh aise gaye, mein abhi bhi lad raha hoon un raaston se.
Wapas toh nahi la sakta, woh beete hue lamhein,
Mod nahi sakta, woh gujre hue pal,
Lekin yaad karke hans toh sakta hoon, un haseen lamhon par, tumhare un waadon par,
Woh har ek baat par jo hamne saath mein kahi thi. Aur apne aap par.
Kab se dhoondh raha khud ko, milta hi nahin hoon,
Aisa lagta hai main chhipa nahin, laapata hoon.

Ek Packet Ummeed

Kabhi kabhi yeh sochke hairan hota hoon, pareshan bhi,
Ki tumhare aane ka ilm nahi tha, lekin door jaane ka itna afsos kyun hai.
Tum na  meri thi, na kabhi ho  paati,
Lekin  ummeedein tab bhi thi, ab abhi hain. 
Main bhi apni khwahish ke bojh ke tale daba,
Un saari chahaton ko yehi kehke samjha raha hoon, ki hum phir milenge,
Kuch der baad.

Chund tasveerein dil ke kuch kono mein, abhi bhi bikhri hui hain,
Unko sametne ka kuch aur hi maza hai.
Lekin jab jab woh yaadon bhari hawa chalti hai, apne aapko le chalta hoon un dinon mein,
Jab humne bhi duniya ki parwaah nahi ki thi.
Subah uthke tokri bhar ummeed liye nikalta hoon,
Yehi sochta hoon, ki hogi sunwaayi kabhi, aur lagegi haaziri meri bhi.

Meri chuppi meri humsafar kab se hai, 
Maine jeeti hain kuch jung bhi, chup reh reh ke.
Ab shayad haara nahi, par thak chuka hoon,
Neend nahi aane par jhooti neend sota hoon.
Mujhe kisi se shikayat nahi ratti bhar,
Bhala ho bhi kyun, maine bhi ki hai laakhon galtiyan.
Sawaal maine bahut poochhe apne aapse, jawab mile bhi, nahi bhi,
Lekin khush nahi ho paya main, aur na hi khush kar paya kisi ko.

[Would like to thank Suruchi for helping me edit this]

Sunday, October 7, 2012

My Tryst With a Kite...

They say marriages are made in heaven! But nobody ever thought where divorces came from! I have seen and been with many girls in my life, each having their individual place in my heart. They all have their unique identities. And I have been transparent enough with each of them about the feelings I share. The best part is they know each other; it has been only possible when you are true to yourself and with the person in front.

Life has moved on a lot since my first love. Loved many, few loved me back…. But today I still stand officially single. With no instant plans to get into the marriage-thing. I love being a single; it has got its own benefits and drawbacks as well. Finding love, being in love and marrying are three different things, realized it later, but a good realization.

I met different people at different stages of my life. Each came with their priorities, preferences and expectations. They are still there, quite in touch. They have been a part of my life and will remain so till I live. I had my priorities, they had theirs, and we still talk about it. And we agree to disagree on those things. It’s fair. Been scared of staying far from my family as already spend close to half a decade without them. So, it’s just a matter of time I will head back towards homeland even if I have to compromise on more than one thing. What better place is there than your home! No alternatives, no replacements, home is home, sweet home.

As I had made an announcement on our last trip regarding me getting married, let me just put forward a word on that. I have decided that if for a day, let me just get married to you. And here is what I thought:

For You who always hated dogs….. From Subhajit who always listened to her…

It has been 18 months of uncountable moments which defined my relationship with you. We have been questioned by people around us pertaining to the justification of this unique & interesting relationship I shared with you. My close friend always wanted to you to just say ‘yes’ so that I would be happy & settle down. He did not realize that things are not what it seems to be. I liked you, fell in love and then avoided you for just one reason…to come back & stay with you forever. Yes, I knew we are never destined to be together, never were. But this heart is too na├»ve to understand such criticalities of life. Mind knew it, from the beginning, always nagged me too. I listened to it at some point, and then just let my heart guide me. Today, all I am left with is just few days to count. Actually I always imagined you with ‘him’, never alone, that’s why it always helped me to have restrictions on my emotions. You made me to flow again, just to stop it when turning back would be more painful. You loved me more than I did, came so late in my life and going far so early. We know we won’t be apart, but we also know we have no future. So similar to Kites… hmmm.

Loved all your tantrums, dramas, little things and sweet nothings. It’s never easy to be a drama queen like you. And it’s never easy to find another Bindaash Girl like you. You may wonder why I am writing the sentences in past tense, but the reason for that is nothing new. I have started phasing out emotions from you, again, just like Maruti 800 from market! It’s not easy, but it’s the only way out. Hope you positively allow me to do that. As it won’t be easy for me to move ahead with such true & strong feelings for you. After ‘her’, it’s been you who moved me so much. Will miss numerous things, be it Sev Tomato or Prawns, be it Five Spices or CCD. Those late night bike rides will remain unforgettable. You have been really nice to me in spite of my expectations, and mostly I have hurt you by expecting.
Distance won’t change the attachment we have, but it will change a lot of things. You know it. We know it. I never left you, nor will I. May be, we have got better people to stay within our lives. 
Finally some of my favorite lines for you:

I have to tell you this and you need to hear it. I loved you since I met you, but I wouldn't allow myself to truly feel it until today. I was always thinking ahead, making decisions soaked with fear... Today, because of you... what I learned from you; every choice I made was different and my life has completely changed... and I've learned that if you do that, then you're living your life fully... it doesn't matter if you have five minutes or fifty years. Dear, if not for today, if not for you I would never have these moments at all... So thank you for being the person who taught me to love... and to be loved….

A man's real possession is his memory. In nothing else is he rich, in nothing else is he poor. You can close your eyes to reality, but not to memories. Will carry all these memories with each passing year of my life to reflect back and feel good about. Because, life has been of no regrets, it should not be. Memory is the storehouse in which the substance of our knowledge is treasured up.

Hey, all the luck to you girl in your career ahead, you got a lot of potential which is unexplored. All the love for your life ahead with your closed ones. And all the best for your future accidents with me whenever it occurs, I am sure it will.

Life goes on… So am I…

27th May, 2010

Thursday, October 4, 2012

What's in a Name!

I always thought that we all have got name attached to us for an unique identity. Well, I do understand that it also has got the love & affection (and what not!) of the parents. The exercise that has gone into it. The amount of time spent on finding & thinking about it. Then the process of shortlisting, final rounds of filtering and then zeroing in on ‘the’ one. We are so very meticulous in handling this particular exercise.
But then starts the real humour, the moment we start calling a new born by the given (read ‘assigned’) name, people start moulding it their convenience. For example, a certain Rajeev becomes ‘Raj’ or ‘Raju’ or may be just ‘Ra’. By the time the same person becomes a complete grown up, he does not even care about the relevance of his name, forget about the effort (however nonsensical it is). And then it all boils down to the same old thing: What’s there in a name!
But all over the world, especially in our parts of it, we do not find the name complete without a surname or a last name. The name remains incomplete without it. Only difference here is, no one struggles for the surname as it is a part of the legacy of the family (depending upon the religion/caste/sub-caste, the last name is decided). And here starts the whole thing about this ‘name-game’, as I call it. I still remember a line: Hum Apne Naam Mein Mazhab Dhoondne Lagte Hain (We start finding ‘religion’ in our names). The whole identity of a person gets hijacked by his surname. The entire image of a person gets stolen in a moment with his last name. An entire community is blamed for someone’s wrong-doing due to their last names.
Is there a possibility of a world where we can just identify each other with things we can relate to! Can we stop finding out the religion in it! Can we stop judging people based on their caste! Can we stop having pre-conceived notions about people from a similar creed! We can actually understand & value the true meaning of ‘democracy’ if we do not indulge in such acts. I am not preaching any sermon on religious sentiments but isn’t it true that all are our mindsets have reached a level where we will raise an eyebrows to a ‘Mishra’ in Mumbai, a ‘Louvam’ in Bangalore or Delhi, a ‘Khan’ in US, a ‘Singh’ in Germany, a ‘Malhotra’ in Australia and so on?
Believe me; I have laughed loudly, smiled meaningfully & gleefully with my friends while I grew up without even thinking once what their name stands for. But then when I come across situations where my surroundings forced me to think otherwise, it struck to me. I asked myself and others as to why I need to treat different people in different ways. I respect the emotions that goes in while naming someone, I also value the sentiments attached to it. What bothers me is the way we treat them without even knowing or understanding them. And the end result is: violence, riots, feeling of insecurity, humiliation. All these amounts of national embarrassment and it question the very meaning of democracy itself. A world without borders & notions defined by names would be a world to live in. Or is that too much to ask for!!!
(First published as a guest post at

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Thoughts Uncluttered

I've found majority of things ever written about love to be so untrue. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinarily wrong thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, because I always believed it’s a start of a journey. I suppose, I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for a day or night! And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. It’s called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, who fall in love alone? I am the victim of the one sided affair. I am the cursed of the loved ones. I am the unloved one, the walking wounded. Yes, you are looking at one such individual. And I have willingly loved you through last 18 months!

You represent a girl who is grace personified. There’s a way you deal with people. That automatically brings joy to them. There’s way you hide your sorrows. No one comes to know about it. There’s a way you handle so many problems in your life for so many years. Yet, you are just right there when someone is in problem. Like I asked you yesterday, what you are? How you can be so damn right! I won’t say you are a God. But you are also not just any other girl. You are a super girl. But you know what, to an extent you are becoming a machine. A machine that has all these preset buttons and manages to complete all the assigned activities told to her in a day’s time. Just how can you be so perfect? It requires amazing determination to do all such things. But each time you were in some situation, you not only handled it well, but also never let anyone of us know about it. It takes a lot, a lot. In one of my testimonials for you long time back, I have mentioned that you define a close-to-perfect-girl, but least I realized that you define even more than that. And believe me, these are not just praises to make you feel good or anything of that sorts, these are my real time experiences with you so far. I have seen so many instances that make me, my pains; my stories look so small, so less important. Yet you simply say… Hey, I am just fine. Hats off to you for moving on with your life. May be you get all such energies from your Mom….sorry the Super Mom. As I told you, there would be very few people who can manage to give so much happiness to their children with so much pain inside. You are just the same.

I love you the way you are, the person you are and the self inside you. It’s so much real with no plastic coats and artificiality. You are, it seems, made of iron, has a heart of gold and a billion dollar smile. Have I just quantified you? But how much can I quantify you, you will still remain a priceless possession, not just for me, but for all the people around you.

P.S. I Love You

29th January, 2010