Friday, May 6, 2016

Finding Light

अपनी मंज़िल पे पहुँचना भी खड़े रहना भी, कितना मुश्किल है बड़े हो के बड़े रहना भी  - शकील आज़मी

A last goodbye is always required. Yet the final goodbye is not easy. This dilemma is eternal. How much ever time you spend with someone, it falls short when they depart. You wish you could have spent some more time with them, you could have told them more about your dreams in life, listen some more stories from them. We might have spent years with them, yet the departures are difficult. You may term it as bonding, relationships and what not. The fact is, deep inside us, we are all attached to someone, to something. Whether we accept or not, humans are weak, much more than they think are.

It has been 10 years I have been staying far from parents. They have come to this karmabhoomi of mine umpteen number of times, but each time they pack their bags I break from inside, many times over. I told myself that now I have grown up and should not break down anymore, just does not happen. I used to hide my tears when I came here to study till now when I am married for 3 years. It is difficult, I have realised, to act as a grown up and equally challenging to not feel anything about what people think of you.

I, for one, live in nostalgia.

कुछ दूर तक तो जैसे कोई मेरे साथ था, फिर अपने साथ आप ही चलना पड़ा मुझे - अमीर कजलबश

My struggle in this city has been minimal yet real. I take pride in it. I earned a name (however little it is) for myself and lead a decent life. My struggle has been much more difficult when I decided to leave everything aside (a well settled job, a good place to stay, a great circle of friends) and go back to my hometown, almost 2 years back to be precise. I knew the odds were against me, at an age where people only go up in their careers. I spent an year at a place I grew up and knew everything about. But each day spent there made me more disillusioned. I started questioning the inept system, poor administration, lack of employment opportunities, lack of civic sense and so on. The most common answer to majority of problems I got was - I expecting too high. I knew I would not survive for long with a constrained aspiration limit.

अब हवाएँ ही करेंगी रौशनी का फ़ैसला, जिस दिए में जान होगी वो दिया रह जाएगा - महशर बदायुनी

And I had to come back. Mumbai has taught me more than what education has. Not just humility or responsibilities towards the society we live in, it taught me the value of making a mark for yourself, without any help or influence. Mumbai is ruthless, quite stubborn and adamant and will try its best to break your back. But that is just a phase, once you put your foot down and take up the challenge, the same city becomes a city of dreams, hopes and aspirations that none other can give you. It embraces you. Each day I spend here is a learning by itself, quite contrary to the city I belong to. When I was at the peak of my suffocation and got a call if I would return back to Mumbai, I never thought twice. Parents, as they always have been, said a big yes.

It is not about lowering expectations, it is about not utilising your skills that makes you stagnant (not behind the race, for race is an illusion). Mumbai, my love for you is infinite and more. I remain indebted.

जिनके पास सिर्फ सिक्के थे वो मज़े से भीगते रहे बारिश में, जिनके जेब में  नोट थे वो छत तलाशते रहे - मिथिलेश बरिया

I do not like to travel much after the gruelling travel I do for work everyday. I am not too adventurous too. Hence, I bear the brunt of many of my friends of not meeting them at different parts of the city (and the country too). I have come to realise that I have got one life to live, so can not waste it for any excuse. So, I will try to ditch my laziness and my inhibitions and get soaked in rain, not thinking whether my mobile phone is waterproof or not.

Love. S.